If you ask a man what makes a person attractive, you will get different answers than if you ask a woman.

Men, as I understand, usually focus on physical attributes: the legs, the breasts, etc.

Women tend to focus on the brain and on a man’s ability to support and defend, etc.

I have another idea, which I hope both sexes can agree to. (And if you predict that it has something to do with integration, you’re right.)

When a person has it “all together”––i.e., is integrated––none of their energy is wasted. This person exudes energy, while a person who is “falling apart” takes energy from the people around him or her.

Who is attractive? Those that give you, not take from you, energy.

People who “have it together” are attractive. Those that are “falling apart “ are not.

Years ago, I hired as my assistant a young woman I felt was rather plain and unattractive. On purpose. I assumed that attractive women would distract me from work.

We started working together, and over time I found her to be smart, intelligent, easily receiving and granting respect and trust. I frequently sought her opinion, and respected it: I found her opinions very valuable. I learned a lot. And I trusted her word. If she said something would be done, it was done.

Over time, I stopped noticing her crooked nose or protruding chin. I now thought she was beautiful, and I was hopelessly attracted to her. Unfortunately for me, she was in a committed relationship.

On the other hand, I remember dating a woman who was knockout gorgeous. She had a perfect figure, a face that was hypnotically lovely. She was also well educated and came from a respected family. But I lost interest in her within weeks. My endless enthusiasm ended up in endless disappointment.

What happened?

She had no self-trust or self-respect. She sure was not “together”. And because of that, I believe, she had no trust and respect for others––in this case, for me.

She could not make a decision on her own, and acted totally dependent on me. But when I did make a decision, she did not trust that decision. We had endless debates about what to do and who was right.

This kind of person, often called a “high maintenance person,” has no self-respect and no self-trust. She is not “together,” not integrated. As a result, a lot of her energy is wasted between her ears. She usually looks tired––emotionally tired, not necessarily physically tired. She will tell you in a debate: “Never mind,” or “Fine”––but I came to learn that this only meant the debate was being postponed, not actually resolved.

Although such people can be physically stunning, they often become unattractive to the people they are with––despite being intelligent, highly educated, powerful, and successful.

Being attractive depends on the flow of personal energy, which is a function of physical, emotional, and spiritual integration––in other words, being healthy in body, mind, and spirit.

Now, a personal hypothesis:

It appears that humor needs energy; to be funny requires creativity that consumes energy.  Thus, it appears to me that people with a healthy sense of humor are more attractive than those who have none.

My experience is that if you can make a woman genuinely laugh, she will find you attractive. The same goes for men.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes