Falling In Love And Staying In Love
This blog post was featured in the Huffington Post on June 20, 2016.
Just watched a TEDx presentation ( September 15th 2015 with Mandy Len Catron ) called: Falling in Love Is The Easy Part.
The speaker reported that she ran an experiment where two people who did not know each other before, asked each other 36 questions which become more and more intimate as they advanced. At the end of the questions that should be answered honestly, the couple supposedly falls in love.
She then tried the experiment on herself… and fell in love too.
The question everybody wanted to know, she said, was whether she was still in love.
It was an interesting talk, to say the least, but in the end it did not explain the reason for the results nor did it answer how does one stay in love?
Let me try.
In the experiment, if you analyze the questions, it is clear that the questions, as they became more and more delicate, when answered honestly, build trust and respect between the participants.
And I believe the reason why people fell in love in this experiment was because the questions, and the process of answering them, built mutual trust and respect.
Because if people are honest with each other especially when they deal with very delicate, intimate issues, honesty generates trust and since the process of asking the questions is very systematized and regulated, I suggest, it also manifests mutual respect.
Now the key question: How does one remain in love?
Well, what undermines MT&R will undermine love as well, no?
Disrespectful handling of conflicts is one important factor.
Lying, manipulating, not being genuine is another.
But what causes people to lie, cheat and hide… and not be genuine?
I suggest that change has much to do with it.
Whenever there is change, problems arise and not all people have the courage and strength of character to handle new life challenges honestly, openly, truly, ….. to be perpetually honest and transparent.
That is why we have the expression “it takes courage to love.” It is not easy. After all who has the strength of character to stand emotionally naked before someone we love and be open to criticism or scorn, or may be even rejection?
Change means life still has to go on, and because it poses problems that might call for criticism and embarrassment , many of us are not as truthful as we can be, not as honest as we want to be , nor as genuine as we should be. MT&R might get eroded and love will leave the nest.
What to do?
Love and thus MT&R need maintenance. It is not enough to build a high rise. It needs to be maintained.
To stay in love people need to invest the time to reinforce their commitment to transparency, honesty, and ingenuity. Must take the time and face the challenges as they come.
It not easy to fall in love and it is even tougher to stay in love.
You need to agree to be vulnerable and you must be willing to work on it to stay vulnerable.
Ichak Kalderon Adizes