I have a friend. He is younger than I: about 50 years old. He is shorter than me (I am 5’6″), very skinny––too skinny, I would say––with a crooked nose and big ears. If you showed his picture to a woman, I bet she would say he is not attractive.

Nevertheless, the guy is a magnet to women. They make themselves available to him left and right. And they are young, attractive women.

What is going on? Why?

I have another friend, my age (I am 75 ). He is my height, stocky, with a boxer’s squashed-in nose. Definitely not attractive. And, again, I have witnessed how women of all ages throw themselves at him.

So what is going on?

I have been wondering what it is that women find sexually attractive in a man. Actually, I have been wondering about this question since I was a teenager.

I finally have an insight.  It explained the two cases above and many more cases I know of, of physically unattractive men whom women find sexually attractive. I think I have found a pattern.

There are two factors that influence whether a man is sexually attractive or not (there are others but I will focus here on the two I had my insight about).

First is the strength of the libido.  The second factor is: Does he show his eagerness?

These two factors create a window, with four possible combinations:

Strong Libido
Yes No
Shows it Yes 1 2
No 3 4

What happens in situation No. 1? The man is very sexually aroused, physically in need of a sexual encounter. And, he shows his interest. In this case, women find him too aggressive. They might even feel that he regards them merely as a sexual object, and be offended. They will reject the man.

Situation No. 2: The man is not very interested sexually, but he flirts, behaving as if he is interested. A woman might enjoy the attention, but if he is an old man like me, he will likely be considered a dirty old man and be shunned.

Situation No. 4: The man is not interested in sex and does not behave as if he is interested.  A woman might be interested in him intellectually, or socially, but there is no chemistry, no sexual magnetism.

Aha! It is situation No. 3 that makes a woman interested.

This man has a strong sexual need. But, he does not demonstrate it. He behaves as if he is not interested; nevertheless, most women can sense that he is eager for sex. Because they do not find him aggressive or threatening, they will approach him and make a move. She will choose the man with the strong libido who is nevertheless not aggressive about it.

This insight is not about marriage or life-time pairing. In this insight, I am referring to casual sexual encounters. And, the more I think about all my “ugly” friends who have been successful with women, the more this insight make sense.
Let me know if you agree.


Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes