The Power to Say No
I have been concerned with the ways in which modern life disempowers us through addictions: to unhealthy food, technology, drugs, dangerous pleasures, and who knows what else is yet to be discovered.
The conclusion I have arrived at is that the people who will survive are not those who adapt. Darwin’s theory of adaptation is even dangerous now. It implies that we should adapt to the new technologies, drugs, and foods, and as I have already said, this is the wrong adaptation. It will speed up our demise, reduce our long term joy, and shorten our lives.
Those who will survive will be those who “swim against the current,” those who have the power and self-discipline to say “No!” to what is being offered. No to endless temptations and pleasures that, in the long run, end in misery. In short, those who do not adapt.
But how does one develop this self-discipline, this power to say no? Is it not better to say “Yes!”: yes to exercise,yes to a healthy food, and yes to a healthy lifestyle?
I have found from experience that yes does not work well because the temptations, the addictions, are strong. Imagine a drug addict being offered his drugs of choice and saying yes to health. It won’t work. He needs to have the will power to say no to the drugs.
Learning to say no, I found out, is extremely difficult. So people substitute it with slogans that say yes: yes to exercise, instead of no to sitting all day in front of TV; yes to diet instead of no to oily fast food. Not strange that none of these “yes programs” work well. We need to be able to say no and actually walk our talk.
I have started to train myself to say no. I started counting how many times a day I said no to unhealthy temptations and how many times I failed to say no, and I am trying to improve the ratio. At the end of the week I am trying to find what will be the most desirable reward for being self-disciplined.
I am truly envious of the religious Jews who honor the Sabbath: no work, no phones, no BlackBerries, no driving, no television or radio. Pure peace. Time to reconnect with oneself, to reconnect with the family. To reconnect with whatever you believe is bigger than you. To connect with whatever spiritual convictions you might have.
Think of it: What is the difference between humans and animals? Animals do not discriminate between kodesh ve hol, between the sacred and the non-sacred. All days are the same for them. They recognize seasons because nature imposes it on them, not because of a choice they made.
Humans have a Sabbath, or Christmas or Yom Kipur or Ramadan. They choose how to behave differently at certain times.
The modern world, with all its temptations, is increasingly making us animalistic: driven by addictions and external forces, we are increasingly losing our will power to self-direct. We increasingly work on sacred days and thus making all days the same. The result is that time flies faster; Years become shorter and life, although our life span might be longer than what our predecessors had , feels shorter.
My experience is that Christmas is arriving faster and faster. I feel that New Years eve was not last year but last week. How did the year pass by? Where did the time go?
The more yes we say, the faster the wheel of life spins and the shorter is the span of life we enjoy.
We must stop . Take a break. Say no. Say no to phones, twitters, blogs, blackberries, tv, driving , shopping, to whatever we do six days a week. One day is a “no day”.
I am making a commitment not to work on Saturdays. No phones. No TV. No driving.
I don’t find going to the synagogue fulfilling. Neither the rituals nor the prayers speak to me. So what to do instead? I tried reading the weekend newspapers. The newspapers depress me and I feel they just repeat themselves. Exercise? Good, but that should be done every day.
I found the answer: If I read books that make me wiser I feel rejuvenated at the end of the day. So I read Osho, an Indian spiritual teacher,. And when I get tired of him I read Pirkey Avot, the Jewish book of wisdom. I am looking for books of wisdom from all religions.
I read also good books of jokes. There is a lot of wisdom in some of them.
The Sabbath day, the “NO Day”, and it does not have to be Saturday, it can be any day of your choice, is the day to absolutely take it slow and easy. Long, long meals. Talk to your spouse without any interruptions of phone calls or having to go anywhere. No driving anyone anywhere.
I wish there would be a new religion, the religion of “No!” We would have a pin that says simply “NO!” on our lapels, so we could recognize each other and support each other in standing up to modern addictions.
I wish we would teach our children how to say no, not only to drugs, but to violent computer games, and obesity-causing fast-food outlets, and obsessive TV watching. That is the true character-building that future generations need, if we are going to survive as a civilization.
I believe our ancestors knew how to say no and were able to tell their children no better than we do today.
Today, in two career families no one has the energy to say and enforce a “no” to increasing temptations our children are exposed to.
There is more no that need to be said but less time to enforce it.
Also, we are increasingly bombarded with permissive theories on self actualization and freedom of choice which is used by many as an excuse to not set and enforce boundaries. Our children are lost in the jungle of pleasure traps with dangerous long term consequences.
As I look at the future I do not see it being a better future. As I travel the world and observe how developed countries are trying to emulate the west, I feel sorry for the life style they are losing. We try to convince the chinese to save less and spend more. To increase consumer debt. We spread our fast food and sugary drinks everywhere we can. We promote the protestant ethics to work more. And more . And to feel guilty if one stops to smell the flowers.
Let us learn to say “NO”
No. No . No.
And again:No.
Thank you.
Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes
A great insight again! Thank you. I believe that Darwin would have agreed with you however, because the survivor today will join your religion and say “No” – that is why they will be the fittest. We have imposed a very dangerous environment upon ourselves and I think that the real “adaptors” are the conscious ones and the ones that just go with the current – the unconscious ones – will not survive very well or very long.
I come to think of a Danish proverb saying something like “of food and wine, a little too little is just enough”!! The insight has always been there, we are just to busy to be aware!
Hi dear ginius Adizes ,
I see that you decidedly readyng Osho ! I complete hold with you ,for saying “NO” .In fact ,if in today modern time ,we dont have ability to say “NO”,we are lost .Main reason its that we are bombing from evehery said with defront influence ,how minimayze are freedom to said “NO” !
Graet Hello from Prangovac – Serbya
Dr. Ichak, Thank you for your words! I agree that learning to say “no” can have many physical, mental, and spiritual benefits. I believe that learning to say “no” can also help in simplifying one’s life. In my Work as Worship seminar, I quote the reknowned Quaker minister Lloyd Lee Wilson. In a 1993 speech he said, “The simple life is one in which there is always time to remember the divine purpose behind each of our tasks, time to listen for a possible divine amendment to the day’s schedule, and time to be thankful for the divine presence at each moment of the day.” This can only happen when we say “no” and begin to rearrange the moments in our lives. Avodah!
Hello Ichak:
Great articel I really love it. I am going to share it with every one.
So today we start to say no. And I will establish a NO day at least once a months.
Thanks.
I heartily agree … the adaptation vs. maverick position is a great distinction. Conventional wisdom for business or personal development tends to be nothing more than how to operate within this increasingly ineffective (and deluded) convention of behaviour. Stepping outside all of this and seeing things clearly is what’s needed … and is why I always enjoy stopping by from time to time to read your fresh thinking.
Thanks for sharing.
PS. I smiled when you mentioned Osho … I’ve been immersed in his books over the last year and is proving to be such a blessing. He covers so much terrain … I recently enjoyed his texts on Zen, Tao (Lieh Tzu, Chuang Tzu), Buddha’s Suttras, and Yoga … wonderful! It’s such nourishment for accurate thinking and awareness.
PPS. I love your analysis of language and language roots in some of your earlier “Insight” editions. It’s easy to forget to what degree language is our lens … and so this type of inquiry/comparison is always so valuable (I’ve enjoyed Osho’s insights into this also).
Dear Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes.
It is all about optimize decisions making and choosing the best way we want to go.
It is wrong to automatically say “no” as it wrong to automatically say “yes”.
Dear Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes.
It is all about optimize decisions making and choosing the best way we want to go.
It is wrong to automatically say “no” as it wrong to automatically say “yes”.
Not as other species, men have big brain to do thinking and clever decisions.
We have to decide firstly what our life goals are and what our guide lines of norms and ethics boundaries are. Then it’ll be our guide lines to better decisions making.
We’ve to say “yes” to technology improvement, to intensive cultivation (so everybody can eat), to medicine technology improvement, to communication technology improvement, to shortening work time (to get more family & fun time), to learning and self developing.
So, don’t be envious to any kind of extreme, act wisely and choose the best decisions for you.
Sincerely
Dr. Uri Ben Nesher
Thank you for stating so clearly what I have not been able to put my finger on as I have drifted along, not realising the riptide had me by the ankles.
Regaining the power to say no feels so much better than the slow seduction of the smooth yes.
This is a wise commentary on life. Guess I am one who marches to my own drummer. And it empowers me. And I am accountable for the results of my actions. I cannot blame others because I made my own decisions about what to eat or not eat, do or not do, rest or work, etc.
Now, if only I can carve out more time for myself…that weekend day off idea is virtuous. And I have no one to blame but myself for the time off I take or the extra workload I do. It’s YOUR life. Whatcha gonna do with it? (That’s my favorite saying and I plan to write on that some day soon!).
Warmest regards to all who read this-*go live your own life and make your own choices!*
Andrea Gold (www.goldstars.com)
Ichak,
I read your insights about the jungle that we are in and the power to say NO and here are some of my thoughts.
The power to say no is a nice concept, but it does not stand on its own. It requires a complimentary definition and that is “no to what”. It also requires an understanding of what is the available choices.
While saying NO to temptations, addictions etc, is a great and powerful concept, lets not forget that one needs to have good judgment and skills to IDENTIFY what should we say No to and what should we not. Also let’s remember that each time that we consider saying NO to an essential activity, we must have more than one alternative.
Example, saying NO to junk food assumes that we have access to healthy food; and what if we don’t?
How should we apply the concept of the power to say no (which have solid arguments on the personal level) to the corporate life. What is a corporate “temptation” / “addiction” and how do we define them? What methodology can be used to identify decision making processes as temptations or addictions and how do we get an organization the power to say NO.
Easy to say that “short term gratification” which is reflected in manipulating stock prices of public companies can be compared to eating junk food. However some public companies who have no “hard assets” and can not raise money because they can not collateralize debt, has no choice but to promote their stock price for their survival.
Darwin’s theory was about survival and not about choice.
Had Darwin analyzed choices and not only a linear algorithm of (alleged) survival, his theory might have been different.
Although it is hard to say no to personal temptations it is much different and easier than similar situation in the corporate life. While being your own Tsar is not easy, appointing a Tsar to an organization is a short term solution, which never lasts too long.
Respectfully,
Yehoram
Interesting. G Gordon Liddy wrote a book called “Will” which in many ways is the ultimate “no” path. And there is no doubt that all can benefit from saying “no” to a great many modern indulgences. Some impulses should be said “no” to, it is certain. I’ve found that followinga “no” path can just as often lead to, unfortunately, a period of “no” followed by an unnatural period of pent-up demand for the unhealth thing that was refused- think Oprah’s decades of weight-loss and weight-gain. “No” definitely has a role, but it is not the answer itself.
What we seek is a path which will not devolve into extremes of abstinence and indulgence. As we cannot solve problems at the same level of consciousness we were at when we created them, we must therefore shift up. I am increasingly convinced that this requires a verticle shift in perspective rather than a horizontal shifting from “no” to “yes” and back again. “No” is a great method for giving the space you need to potentially make this shift. It is a tool, but not the path itself I think.
I’ve been a huge fan of Osho for many years. You might also enjoy Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” if this brilliant book hasn’t yet found you 😉
http://eckharttolle.com/a_new_earth
Peace and love.
Tom.
Dear Adizes
I have had very nice moments in front of your articles … Gradually I came to know the books, dvd’s … now meet with you every day writing in my e-mail.
I love this text. Very insightful and coherent. You become the “no” in liberating attitude …
Thanks and kisses
pesquisar
Ichak,
A few things.
Michael told me that you are recovering from surgery. I hope and pray that it is a fast and easy recovery for you. It is also a great time to practice your power to say no, yes?
I just love reading these. They are always so inspiring and I pass them on to many of my friends. Your sharing makes a huge difference.
Michael and I plan to see you on the 9th. We will check in beforehand. If it does not work for you, feel free to use your no and we will understand. That’s family.
Be well.love to Nurit, Sassa and the rest of the family.
M
Meryl Russo
Advertising Sales Manager
FamilyFun Magazine
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Thanks man. It was cool reading
There is nice words in your article. Dear Dr.Adizes, What is waiting for us in tomorrow? The earth is changing by OUR technology. The life is changing by Internet. The religions are found out the same base, but the relgious people in cold wars. What are we looking in our life? Just running to survive? Or something with deep meaning is under the life, that we must stop and turn to look?
Could it be possible to start over just for 200 years? I am really soory to see what will happens for our children.
I am delighted by your different insight.
Sincerely,
Morteza
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