Love Is Not For Ever. Can it Be?

October 22, 2021

Everything we do in life is to feel love. The money we make, the career, the fame we chase, the painting we paint, the music we compose or sing, it is all to get or give love. And if you are a criminal, you probably didn't get enough love. You're trying to get attention, for love... criminally. Allow a prisoner to have a little puppy and you will see what happens: the murderer melts like butter in the sun. He feels love. Criminals in prison put out crumbs to attract birds to their cell windows. To feel a little bit of love.
            But there is a catch, love is not forever.
           Love can be lost. Sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Love is forever in poetry, in song, and maybe in some movies. But in reality? No. Love can be lost when mutual trust and respect is lost. How can you love anyone if you do not respect that person? You might be sexually attracted, but that is not love. And how can you love you if you don't trust that person?
           Love requires the utmost respect and trust. The utmost. And respect and trust need to remain strong when there is change. Change means problems, and every problem we have is a test of how much we respect and trust each other; Will we pass or will we fail the test? And if we fail repeatedly, love goes out the window. If we do not get divorced, we just co-habitate. We don't hurt each other, but there is no love, no intimacy. Because there is no respect and there is no trust anymore.

           When you have a problem, it is customary to try and find a solution. Do not make the mistake. The solution to the problem is not that important. What is important? HOW you solve the problem: not whether you solve the problem, but how you go about achieving the solution. It is in the HOW. Don't ruin mutual trust and respect in the search for what the solution should be. The how you reached the solution might be more important than what the solution is. Years from now we won’t remember what the solution was, but we will never forget how we achieved it. This is why it is so important, when you have a very serious problem in your relationship, not to raise your voice. Breathe. Take a piece of paper and write: “I hate him.” “I think he's an idiot.” “I think he's a bastard.” “She is awful." Whatever. Write it and destroy the paper later. Write it to free the angry energy that is stuck in you. BUT, don't say anything. If you do, you will be sorry for it tomorrow. You destroyed trust  and or respect and that lingers much longer than the solution you have found.
           The rule is, when you are upset that you feel it in your stomach, and your stomach is churning, don't speak. The stomach and the mouth should not be acting at the same time. Walk away. Say, "Let's talk tomorrow." Calm down. Calm the storm down. Calm the mind down before you open your mouth. The how is more important than the what. You will forget what the argument was about, but you will not forget how it made you feel.
           What is forever? The commitment. Committed to what? To keep love alive by never violating mutual trust and respect. And if they are threatened, deal with it. Do not romantically expect that love is forever and then feel surprised when there are challenges to love. Your romantic, unrealistic expectation that love should be forever might lead you to ask for divorce. It might lead you to start looking for your next “forever” relationship, only to find that every relationship faces challenges which threaten love. And the faster is the rate of change in your life, the faster are the challenges to love and being loved.

         Stay committed to mutual trust and respect. Commitment to MT&R should be forever. If you want to know how, here comes my sales pitch: read my book, The Power of Opposites. We all struggle in our relationship. Fifty percent of all marriages end up in divorce, at least in California. And it's painful for all parties involved, especially the children. Family is the foundation of society. When a family breaks down, society is breaking down. Big price to pay for all of us. Thank you, until the next blog.

Written by
Dr. Ichak Adizes