This blog post was featured in the Huffington Post on August 09, 2017.
I read somewhere; do not try to count the stars. It cannot be done. And do not try to understand women. You will not succeed.
Well, I think I got an insight which I hope will help me in my marriage and could be of value to my fellow men too.
I am going to use metaphors.
We men, our lives look like a train ride, a straight line forward to a destination. From time to time we go through dark tunnels, but somehow, we find a light at the end of the tunnel which keeps us going. The train might sometimes go up and down, but the direction is forward, and we do not want our woman to tell us which train to take and what destination to choose. We insist on being free.
Women live on a roller coaster. Up and down with unpredictable turns. They are happy one minute, unhappy the next and they want us to be present and not be perturbed by their screaming as they go their way up and down
I come from a cultural background that taught me to be responsible for my woman’s happiness. I am that man. Happy wife - Happy life. If she is unhappy I am not doing my job. For years I saw that as my responsibility; to get my woman off the roller coaster. To convince her to get off I would join her roller coaster myself.
It did not work and only gave me pain galore. She refused to get off and I, since I was on it myself, was now going up and down too, something I found really painful. It made me mad at myself and at her. But she was mad at me too for not accepting that she likes her roller coaster. For not accepting her as she is. For trying to change her.
What I needed to do is let her be like she lets me be. She loved a man who had a goal and a destination who rode the train with confidence. I should enjoy the femininity, the unpredictability, the emotional sensitivity of my woman.
Love your woman as she is going up, and even more as she is going down. Do not even try to tell her to take an easier roller coaster. It is her preference which one to be on. You just be there for her so she does not fall off. That is where your responsibility ends. And listen to your woman because in our eagerness to get the train moving, we men often choose the wrong train and face the wrong destination.
Love is not fusion. Love is integration. Each component keep its individuality and benefit from the differences the other one provides.
I should have known this years ago.
Never late to learn.
Ichak Kalderon Adizes
Post script : Applying the Adizes methodology to the blog
Masculine energy is (P) oriented. Apparently biologically. Feminine energy is (I) driven. Also biologically .
The other PAEI roles are of different magnitude but driven by the driving role. Masculine (E) is for (P) sake; We create in order to get MORE results. So is the (A), to enable more (P)and so is (I), not (I) for (I) sake, like with feminine energy, but for getting more (P). That is why our (I) is considered not genuine .
Feminine (E) is for (I) thus they enjoy gossip a lot. And their (A) is for (I) too; Get order to get harmony.
The masculine feminine conflict of styles comes from the (P) versus (I) differentiation.
Mutual respect means to accept our differences and find the benefits that the differences offer.
Note: in the blog I talk about men and women. I really mean masculine feminine energy.