You have probably heard the saying that “proximity breeds contempt.” 

That is why dictators or authoritarian leaders keep physical and social distance from their subordinates. They sit at the top of the conference table, with others positioned several chairs away. Consulting to a few of them, Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan, Milosevic of Serbia, I had to wait to be told where to sit and it was always few chairs away . and it was not only me sitting at a distance. The secretaries of state and the Prime Ministers were kept at a distance too. Their desk is often placed meters from the door, so you must walk toward them while they remain in their seat projecting power. They will not invite you to their home, no matter how long you have known them, nor will they allow you to call them by their first name.

Why knowing someone up close can lead to contempt? (the sitting distance is only a manifestation of not allowing proximity).

Because we begin to discover people’s weak points. This discovery leads to contempt because we expect the other person—especially if they are in power or admired—to be without fault. We have those expectations because, for a reason I cannot identify, we are all looking for a perfection, for a faultless person even though none of us can meet everyone’s expectations, and we ourselves rarely satisfy even our own. We are all imperfect. We all have weaknesses, blind spots, and a “bad side.” Even God is not perfect.

God brought the flood and killed everyone except Noah in the Ark. But after forty days of rain, God realized that human beings cannot be made righteous by threatening to kill them all. Even with all the power God has, God cannot force us to be righteous. It is up to us whether we sin or not. The rainbow is created as a reminder to God to stop the rain—because the threat of annihilation will not make people moral. God admits his weakness he might forget to stop the potential flood. So, who among us could possibly be more perfect than God. Stop looking for the perfect leader. Or the perfect spouse. Or the perfect child.

All these autocrats and dictators who hide their weaknesses are sticking their head in the sand, hoping no one notices that their rear end is sticking out.

If we stop expecting perfection, then proximity—seeing someone’s weaknesses—should not breed contempt but closeness. It should deepen the relationship. We should discover that the other person—no matter how famous, admired, or powerful—is as human as we are.